Our Solemn Hour

Well, the election has been and gone, and finally we have this change so buzzed about. Will be glad to see how life becomes so much more interesting. Maybe we'll have a monorail to colleges and work? A dolphin ride to the shops? Or Churches that actually sing hymns along with the congregation?
No?
Oh ok then
I'll just pay 11p less for a loaf of bread, and make do.
In truth change is never normally a good thing. The only reason Mr Cameron has been elected with his Clegg minion is because change was absolutely necessary, or so most of the nation believed.
But any other forms of change, they just don't seem to sink in as well as the events at No. 10.
A change in school or job is now emotional, it's difficult, it's obstructive to life often, yet sometimes it is necessary.
I suppose seen as this isn't going in a newspaper i'll get personal. The change from High School to College was a huge step. Non of my friends were joining me. I knew very few people at all. I was even taking some new subjects that I hadn't taken at GCSE.
It wasn't easy at all, but it was necessary. And necessity isn't always the provider of good news.
For example, within the first half a day, I had a new mate- "B". It was like the spitting image of me, but better looking and with a bit more wit. Creative, stylish (if i do say so myself) intelligent. It was like the divine creator had made me, and a few months later taken my mold and tweaked each bit, making it a little bit better. And suddenly the change of schools and friendship circles didn't seem too bad
And then he got a girlfriend.
Ladies and gentlemen, a word please. If your best friend finds themselves a new partner, then alarm bells need to be sounding in your head and you need to start digging the grave of your friendship, because they become warped. And if you take a dislike to their partner, jump in it and save the time.
That's what happened to me. Life between us became cold, and after one argument too many with her majesty, I was sent to the gallows.
It breaks my heart, because from a distance I can see she was a very nice girl. Difference is, get too close to her territory, and it becomes a different matter. Part of me thinks it's just instinctive, it quite possibly is, it may not even be hers or any other likewise folk's fault. Difficulty is, that doesn't change the outcome, one of the few changes that would be very welcome indeed.
And changes don't have to even involve another form coming in and ousting you from your position. Sometimes, changes can be in a person.
One friend, "A", was pretty much the best in the business when I met him. Top drawer, premium bonus, first prize, etcetera, etcetera. You know sometimes you find a friend who's more like a brother? That was the basic description of him, and I loved him as such.
As with any love, somewhere along the line, it breaks your heart; and, rather coincidentally, that started to happen as soon as he started to change...
Which rather conveniently was shortly after getting his girlfriend. Maybe I was wrong about there not always being an outside influence...
Anyway, I digress. I often put our little arguments down to being because we're more like brothers, and sometimes we can't stand each other, like many siblings. Natural, I thought.
Being an only child, I haven't had much experience of "siblings". I read about them in a book once though...
His world changed, and narrowed, like a lense cap closing. First it was about his mates. Then it was about her.
Understandable? I thought so. But... surely you don't forsake those who care for you?
As it turned out, he acknowledged this after a year or so, and made a grovelling apology. In fact, one of two quotes I can pull from him are "I have changed (back) you WILL see it"
I didn't
The other quote I can remember was after our first spat, not a big one, so we were still amicable. He said something which only now is starting to make a lot of sense
"We're jokers, not emotionalists"
I, on the other hand, was not contained within that "We're" for I am 100% emotionalist, jocularly shortened to "emo" by some
Now lets get one thing straight, I don't wear foundation and self harm. I just care. I'll cry when I see you cry. I'll be heartbroken. I'll take offence. But most of all, I will fight to the death for what I love. And I loved him. And when the world turned cold for us both, heaven help all those who were in my way.
That was the final sacrifice I made to this date, the conclusion to a particularly long list I might add. And you know what happened next between us?
Nothing
Fuck all. I was invisible. Not so much as a thank you.
Where had my little brother gone? Where was the man I could talk through the night with? He was on the end of the phone casting me away for being too emotional, that's where he bloody well was.
Maybe I'm being hard. It's been a stressful time for many of our circle recently; I know better than most the tole it can take.
But what comfort is that meant to be to a broken heart? A scrap of hope that it's like a nightmare, and will pass with the rising morning sun.
But the issue with nightmares, is that there's always a shred of truth with which the nightmare is built upon.
Was this truth what I'd feared for so long? Insignificance? Hatred? Pseudo-friendship?
As it happens, even with the clearing of the tears, it's hard to see what the situation is. But one thing is clear. Change has a nasty habit of tearing you apart, necessary or not.
So what does this bode for the new government? is that going to tear us apart? Or is it building upon a broken Britain? Many would argue both ways. Only time will tell.
On a more personal level, both A & B were good friends. And both I know I hurt in differing ways, for which I can be but sorry.
But both of them changed, regardless of my actions, and with that, my heart's been twisted into tight knots. Dreams become the sky above you, as your longing for a fantasy world become more powerful. Wishfully thinking would value that, as it contains both A & B, as they were, the brothers I loved.
What I'm left with is a reality that's both dark and hostile. What's left of my heart is still for them. But maybe there's one more necessary change to happen very soon. Maybe a new heart is in order, a new spirit. For who cares about those who tend a bleeding heart. It's those who are athletic, genii, hilarious or 'cool' who are the first pick of friends. And without any of those attributes, maybe the change in the neighboring world that encroaches ever faster as a shadow over the light of my life is trying to warn me. Maybe the world is sick of me waiting for them to come back. Maybe it's time to leave your heart at the door, and walk out into the world without the person that's come to suffer so much harbored within you. Or maybe the pain and wait is worth the reward...
Maybe, one day, I'll know the answer for myself. Maybe, one day, I'll be able to wake from my solemn hour, and maybe, one day, I'll be able to move on. Maybe. Just Maybe. x